One Hundred & Twenty-Five: Stuck still no turning back
I love my job, I’m proud of the work that I do. But it’s hard, incredibly hard and lately I feel as though it’s dragging me down, that it’s something that I am going to be stuck at for the rest of my life. I feel that, me accepting this job is the equivalent of me sticking my finger up at my dreams. Everything I wanted to do seems to have gone and I’ve lost the excitement. I have nothing in common with any of them at work and it shows that I stick out like a sore thumb all of the time. I’m struggling to deal with everyday life and it’s only getting harder and harder, my mum and dad are fighting constantly every weekend about the same thing! I have to sit and wonder sometimes why they’re even still together when they quite obviously do not want to be most of the time. When I was younger I wanted to travel, I wanted to be like Eunice and live in different places and experience different cultures, she’s led such an amazing life, living in Germany and Switzerland, going where she wanted when she wanted. And then I look at my life and I think ‘this is about as good as it’s going to get.’ And it sucks. It sucks majorly, I’m sick of feeling like this. I’ve booked a holiday with a friend who I haven’t seen in months, we hardly speak anymore and when we do it’s so incredibly forced on my part that I just get frustrated and end up moaning. I just feel like everything is crushing me and that I don’t have control of my own life anymore, I’m tip toeing in my own home for god sake cause I don’t want to set off another argument. I’m sick of it. All of it.